Bigg Elephant

“I was fortunate to have the perfect incubator for learning to love criticism. At 19 I started hopping cargo ships to help pay my way through college. Life on shipboard was all new to me, as it had been for my shipmates when they got their start, only in many of their cases they had to worry about Japanese torpedoes and German Stuka dive-bombers in addition to acquiring nautical skills.

These were tough, gruff old guys, and yet the pressures of life cramped together on shipboard tend to make them exquisitely deferential. Criticisms would start with a preamble such as, “Look, it’s not my place to tell you how to do your work, but you might find that job goes easier if…”

Furthermore, the offer of criticism was an unmistakable sign that someone who had two or three decades of experience was taking an interest in you despite your two or three days, weeks or months of experience. They didn’t waste their vocal cords on the clueless. Criticism was a sign they felt you worthy of joining the fraternity of old sea dogs!

I moved from that genteel world to working in academe with its utter lack of manners and deference. Criticisms were often peevish, haughty or, worst of all, delivered in front of others with the intent to make you look bad. But I had been well schooled by men who’d been fished from the frigid Barents Sea or hauled oil-covered out of the Coral Sea. The good manners they’d taught me stood as the most devastating comeback to ill-intended critiques.

By the time I got to retail, my partner and I actively cultivated an atmosphere in which people felt okay to criticize us. We figured for every person who will say something, at least ten more are thinking it but unwilling to say it. Learning what your customers really think is priceless.

In short, criticism is a gift and should be honored as such with attentiveness and thankfulness, even follow-up questions to make sure you get it. Where it is not intended constructively, responding with politeness still represents the surest way to deter future attacks.

Some elaboration:

Even when criticism is off the mark, it remains a gift; it allows you to understand how another thinks you are going about things wrong. And there is palpable power in opening yourself fully to it. There is also the opportunity for discovery.

For example, I’m making dinner and the female member of the couple we’ve invited wanders into my kitchen and bluntly announces I’m preparing my vegetables incorrectly. I know I am not, and I could tell her that or I could just toss her from my kitchen. Instead, I hand her the knife and invite her to show me how to do it properly.

She raises the knife and slices straight down, which I know is wrong. But she explains, “The rocking motion you are using is appropriate for a chef’s knife, but this is a nikiri vegetable knife. It is designed for a straight-down slice.” [Hmmm… I never knew that. I just assumed the same principles apply.]

After slicing the eggplant, she continues, “Now take each slice and lightly score each side every quarter of an inch or so. That will help the salting reduce the bitterness.” [Bonus info!] Turns out she was a professional caterer.

The point is to be open and not defensive. Don’t even try to deflect. Invite more details, and make every attempt to make the person feel good about offering you a critique. Even if the critique is pointedly personal, open up to it. Even if you decide the advice offered was completely off-base, leave the person feeling okay for having imparted it. It’s not a world-changer of a technique, but it is a self-changer. (Inc.com)