Bigg Elephant

This is the third stage which may occur even if denial and counter-attack were sufficient on their own. The bully feigns victimhood by manipulating people through their emotions, especially guilt. Expect to hear phrases like:

• I’m the one being bullied here;
• I am deeply offended;
• If it wasn’t for me, you (would not be so fortunate/wouldn’t have your job/wouldn’t have been promoted etc.)
• You don’t know how hard it is for me;
• I’m the one whose under stress;
• You think you’re having a hard time…;
• After all I / we have done for you…;

Feigned victimhood can include bursting into tears, displays of indulgent self-pity, feigning indignation, pretending to be “devastated” or “deeply offended”, being histrionic, playing the martyr and generally trying to make others feel sorry for them – a “poor-me” melodrama.

Other tactics include manipulating people’s perceptions to portray themselves as the injured party, with their target being the villain. The bully may respond to a difficult challenge by claiming to be suffering stress and go off on long-term sick leave. They may say they have a heart condition and cannot stand any more. A bully may exploit his own ill-health (real or feigned) to gain attention and sympathy.

As with denial and retaliation, feigning victimhood allows the bully to avoid answering the question and thus avoid accepting responsibility for what they have said or done. This pattern of behaviour was learned at a very early age and while most children grow out of it by the time they start school, some do not, and by the time they become adults, it is a well-practised strategy.

Feigned Victimhood should be responded to as with retaliation: i.e. not responding to the substance of the poor-me drama, but the fact of it. Respond to the intent, not the content. Targets should endeavour not to be moved by, feel sorry for, feel guilty about or get angry about the bully’s histrionics, but instead should respond by pointing out that it is a predictable continuation of the bullying, and insist that the feigned victimhood is added to the target’s original complaint of bullying.

Feigning victimhood has the further effect of engendering an unusual level of anger in the target – the true victim – which the bully uses to his or her advantage. Anger is an emotion that bullies (and all abusers) use to control their targets. The target may have been bullied for months or years, and they might only have challenged the bully out of sheer desperation, and then they see their tormentor getting away with it by blaming them. If the target loses his or her composure at this point, the bully uses that as evidence that the target is to blame for everything. By provoking a release of pent-up anger, the bully plays their master stroke and casts their victim as villain.”The only way to avoid being exploited in this way is to remain calm. Better still, remain calm, polite and 100% reasonable, irrespective of the way you are being treated.”

“Mediation, arbitration and negotiation are always far more desirable than an adversarial approach to resolving disputes, but are completely inappropriate if the dispute is with a serial bully. Serial bullies regard any attempt at a conciliation as appeasement, which they ruthlessly exploit. It gives them the opportunity to appear that they are negotiating and being conciliatory, but they continue the bullying, sometimes more secretively at first. Mediation with a serial bully is a waste of time and energy.” (Bullyingonline.com)